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Learning to Step Back

Ever since I can remember I've always wanted to please my family. I'm family orientated and people pleaser. Although I've acted out and have my bouts of hating my family (come on I was a teenager) I still always love them.

I hate to feel like I've let them down. I would do anything for them. If they have a problem then I'm always here. You see I want to be someone they can count on, no matter what.  Even if it means letting myself down or forgetting about me. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing the way I am with my family but it's not healthy. 

When I was younger I lost count of the times I said no to myself. I think it's partly why I liked a drink and worried about what I ate. Enough about that though. 

Last year I decided that enough was truly enough. I'll tell you know I'm not perfect and no one is. I don't pretend to be. Part of my family think you should just nod and agree when something is said even if you don't agree. This is surely lying. no? 
It's not something I do. I mean yer a certain amount of nodding to show support, but not when in reverts to me. You see, I feel as though they've always told me what I should be doing but never listened to what I want, or what makes me happy. So why do I worry about making them happy. 

I had a sudden realisation  the day my efforts were thrown back at me. Unappreciated and confused I found myself in a bit of a slump. I never did it  for anything other than wanting to make one of them  happy. There had been I had scrapped my plans or things I really wanted to do, to ensure I was there for them. I'd sometimes make myself tired and ill. Not that I'd tell them that. Maybe I should've, maybe they'd know quite how much I've done for them. All of this made me step back.

It wasn't easy as it doesn't come naturally for me. In fact I found it incredibly hard. A year later and a second realisation hit me. The people I've put myself out for and I'd do anything for, well they're not here for me. In fact they've made no effort with me. I couldn't tell you the last time they text just to ask how I was or called me. Yer, I know life can get busy but that's no excuse. 

I hate when people say if someone doesn't both with me I won't bother with them. I'm not one of those people. That being said when do you stop being the one who makes the effort, with nothing in return. This is something I have grappled with and I finally pulled back. 

I've had stuff going on and I could've used them to count on. I know everyone has their own shit to deal with, but when was I considered. 

Now I want you to know I don't feel sorry for myself and this isn't a self pity thing. I just keep going. I've learnt to except that it's just how they are. I wouldn't change them. It's just it hurts. One person can only keep giving and getting nothing back before they say no. 

I've become someone who says no. I still struggle with it but I remind myself I can't always say yes. 
It hasn't shown which of my family is there for me. It has also shown my that I shouldn't waste my time worrying about what others think.  

I don't hate them or dislike. It is just who they are. I love them and I will sing their praises and I hope they achieve all they want. 


For right now I've had to step back. If not for the sake of my health but my sanity. 

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