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Depression and Me

The definition of depressions is, “…a mental illness in which a person is very unhappy and anxious (= worried and nervous) for long periods and cannot have a normal life during these periods.” You probably already knew that but is that what it is? 


I mean come on, everyone experiences depression and anxiety in different ways so there is no set definition of what depression is. It’s more of an understanding that people are only just now starting to take note of. I have experienced loved ones go through anxiety and depression and it’s never nice. For me, all I wanted was to help but it’s not that easy. I have found the help they need is support, love and no judgement. They need someone in their corner whilst they work it out and fight it. There is no fix you just learn to deal with it. At least that’s what I have been told. 

I always told myself that I would never be depressed but it doesn’t work like that though. You don’t get to decide that it just, well, happens. 

I have suffered with anxiety and I find that a struggle. Some days can be worse than others. So, when I started to struggle and felt burnt out and low I put it down to bad anxiety. Boy, was I wrong. 

I saw the signs but I didn’t want to take notice. I felt not saying it would mean it wasn’t real when actually I was giving it more power by not saying it. A couple of weeks ago I hit a wall, there was no running from it. I broke down and told Ian I was sorry along with multiple other things. He told me that it was okay, that everyone has bad days. That he knew what it was but that I needed to admit it to myself and then say it aloud. Only then could I start to focus on feeling better. I cried a lot but I finally said it. 


So, Yes…

I am depressed. 

Writing it feels emotional and yet freeing. There is something so heavy about the word. I have never felt so low, unworthy and alone. I know I am not actually alone but that is how it has left me. I built up my confidence over the years and now I feel like it’s all gone. Just like that, it’s been knocked away. I don’t know how to start rebuilding it and getting back to me. Depression has left me feeling exhausted, anxious about everyday things and second guessing myself. There are days where I feel overly emotional and other where I feel numb and I can’t control it. Sometimes I know why and sometimes I don’t. 

I am learning to be kinder to myself and to take it one day at a time but it’s not easy. Some days I am hard on myself and put pressure on myself. It takes time and I have to listen to my body and not ignore it. 
I know I am not alone and that there are lots of you out there that are depressed. Maybe you know it or maybe you don’t or maybe you suffer in silence. You don’t have to though. There is help out there. It isn’t the easiest but there is help out there. 

Last year when I began to feel really anxious I thought I needed to seek help. I did the self-assessment through the NHS and referred myself. I never did get a callback. I waited longer than I should have but, after some time I decided to find my own counsellor. It felt like a good investment to pay to talk to someone. I know this is not feasible for everyone to do but it has helped me.
Ignoring it was silly and I can’t help but think I could have been in a better place now if I’d said it sooner. I have seen and read about people going through depression and I just never thought I was that bad. I felt like well my life is pretty great and that I shouldn’t feel like this. The thing is even the happiest of people can have depression. It’s silent and it comes from nowhere. 
There is no shame in being unwell but when I think about it that's how I feel. I feel ashamed that I didn’t listen to my body sooner and take note. That I allowed myself to get to this point. Ian has been my rock as he always is and giving me the love and support I need. He reminds me to take it easy on myself and cut myself some slack on days when I am being so hard on myself. 
One thing I am learning is that it doesn’t mean I am weak. It means I need to ask for help and take care of myself. That it’s going to take time but I will feel more me again in time.

If you having a hard time and suffering with anxiety or depression there are some great helplines. Visit https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/ to get help.


4 comments:

  1. Hi Charlotte. This was such a touching and honest post. I'm so proud of you for admitting you had depression. It took me a very long time to admit it and it took and equally lengthy time for me to come out the other side. Last year I couldn't leave the house and I was close to suicide - now I'm the happiest I have ever been in my life and I've finally found who I am as a person. I know right now it seems like there's no light at the end of the tunnel, but there is. I promise you. If you ever feel like chatting I'm here.

    -Han.xo | www.safehavenanonymousletters.co.uk

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    Replies
    1. Hi Han,

      Thank you for commenting it really put a smile on my face. I'm glad that you have finally found who you are as a person. It gives me hope. Whilst I haven't felt suicidal there have been days when leaving the house has felt frightening so it's nice to know I'm not the only one who has felt like that. Thank you for saying you there for a chat. It would be nice to have someone to chat to.

      Charlotte x

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  2. It's so true. This article really spoke to me. You can never truly tell how a person is. . A brave face hides many things

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